Scooter The Scalawag

scal·a·wag

ˈskaləˌwaɡ/

noun

informal

1. a person who behaves badly but in an amusingly mischievous rather than harmful way; a rascal.

   synonyms:

   rascal, scamp, monkey, imp, devil, rogue;

Dear Readers,

While perusing Facebook this morning, a familiar face appeared on the right side of my screen under "Friends You May Know".  He was, indeed, very familiar since his story is one that I will never forget.

It wasn't his appearance that led me to communicating with him on an online dating site a year or two ago, it was that he stated on his profile that he was a former Army officer and a physician.  Sounds too good to be true, right?  Right.

After several emails, he talked about driving up from Baton Rouge to meet me but he had one condition before he committed...  I had to send him a picture of my boobs to prove that I was serious in pursuing a relationship.  What, you say?!  Yes, a PICTURE OF MY BOOBS.  I was so stunned that I sat there in front of my laptop in shock wondering how to respond - nasty, nicely or truthfully?  I decided to play his game and asked him why in the world he would ask that of any woman, much less a Southern girl that was raised with high standards and a belief system that stopped me from even considering such an outlandish proposal.

His answer?  When he was an Army officer, his men that served under him stated they would die for him, his family was devoted to him, blah blah blah.  He would only drive 2 hours to see a woman that PROVED she was devoted to him and wanted a long lasting relationship.  After taking a deep breath and counting to 100, I told him in no uncertain terms that he had rocks for brains and was probably a certified pervert or a sex addict.  Oh, and don't write me back, I would no longer respond.  That didn't go over too well and I damaged his very frail ego.    He wrote me a scathing last email, letting me know what he thought of me and my "precious boobs".

I thought I had the last laugh until his profile popped up on my FB page with his name this morning.  I laughed out loud so hard when I saw his name that I scared the cat and made him jump.  Sorry, cat.  The doc's name?  Wait for it... SCOOTER!  Oh honey, bless your little heart.  I suggest you change your name before demanding women kowtow to your special needs.  It's really hard to take you seriously with that moniker.

P.S.  Apologies to anyone whose name is Scooter.  If you are considering signing up for a dating site, change your name to something more serious or manly.  Oh, and don't EVER ask for a picture of a woman's boobs... your profile picture is liable to go on all the social networks and could go viral.  But no worries, here.  I would never share your picture, I'm a nice Southern girl, after all.

Ode To The Dating Sites

 Dear Readers,

Over the years I have had great fun coming up with little ditties about the fun and fiascoes of my dating life.  While some of my dates have been wonderful men, the old adage about having to 'kiss a lot of toads' before finding your future mate is true.  For your perusal, here is a collection of verses I have written that I call "Ode To The Dating Sites".  I hope you enjoy it!

ODE TO THE DATING SITES
by Lisa Buchanan


There once was a foul man named "***wipe",
the pic of his bike made us laugh,
imagine his chaps and his thong done in black,
with Lisa dolled up in the back!

There was a strange man who was gruesome,
he wanted to do a fun threesome,
a man two girls date, to me that was great,
if he would allow me to whip him?

There was a short rooster who's nameless,
he called her a 'prize' so he said,
the bike that he's riding he couldn't keep hiding,
the sheriff wants it back or he's dead!

There once was a kilted French Cajun,
whose prose sounded like he was ragin',
he's anti-kill Bambi or Rudolph, that's fine,
I don't think I'll be misbehaving!

A gun-toting guy in Afghanistan,
who had a nice boat he made clear,
submissive at bedtime was all that he asked.
Are handcuffs the norm here? Oh dear...

In Idaho there was a fine cowboy,
his rodeo voice known far and wide,
the riding and roping are fun so they say,
but he wants center stage, not a bride.

There was a Marine that's a General,
his prose sounded girly and kewl,
I thought "finally, hot damn!" but Dad said "it's a scam",
so I'm back to the dating site ghouls.

I met an old man for some dinner,
he sounded so nice on the phone,
but when we departed, I became so fainthearted,
his talking so much made me groan.
I chastised him about all his talking,
then told him to just keep on walking,
he wrote back and said that I helped his big head,
now he's dating again, girls are flocking!

There once was a man that appeared naked,
he said "you are well kept", it's true.
He makes the gun guy look much better than ever,
but naked man doesn't have a clue.

A tall hobbit approached me to write him,
in Renaissance attire with a kilt,
his lily white legs and his earrings all dangly,
I passed him right by with no guilt!

I wanted to find a new partner,
a man who is dashing and smart,
but now that I've seen all the yahoos and schmucks,
I think they're all old flabby farts!

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match.....

Dear Miss Lisa,

According to relationship experts, I'm a dumb-ass.

I need a MatchMaker!  Only someone with a strong personality need apply to take 

charge of my love life. I have listed below my requirements:

1 - I am looking for someone to sweep me off my feet that has enough money to support themselves and me in the manner to which I am accustomed. I know that's not realistic, I DON'T CARE. You won't change my mind, so give it up.
2 - I am looking for a professional. Not a professional pool shark, not a professional cad or gigolo, but someone that works in an office all day and does nothing but dream of when they can see me again and how they can impress me that day. If you don't get the total picture, see #1 above.
3 - I am looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. RightNow.

4 - I am looking for someone that is willing to move here to this dinky town in the middle of BFE and like it. No complaining to me about it unless the cure is to fly somewhere exotic for the weekend.
5 - I am looking for someone that my grown children and family will like and respect. If they can't pass the muster, they're "outta here".
6 - I am not looking for George Clooney or Brad Pitt, those two were disasters and taught me that I should be looking at their heart and mind and not what makes me look good. Okay, okay, I'm not totally convinced that George or Brad aren't out there but I certainly don't want the man to be prettier than me, capeesh?
Signed,
SickAndTiredOfWierdosJerks&DumbassesKindaGirl

Dear YourEgoIsLargerThanMine,

Wow.  The first thing you need to do is get off your high-horse and get your ego in check.  It's hard enough to find your knight in shining armor without you scaring the hell out of him.  Sheesh.  I hope your profile on the dating sites isn't this scary.
There are plenty of matchmakers if you look online.  If you live in a small town then it's a problem, for sure.  If you are willing to drive/fly to a larger town then you will find you have more options.  The good matchmakers I've seen online are professionals with a staff to help them build up their portfolio of desirable men.  But be prepared, it's costly.  And by that, I mean you could spend over $1,000.00!  Personally, I'd rather spend that money on purses to feed my addiction but that's just me...
Don't give up!  Take a hard look at your online profile on the dating sites.  Does it need to be updated?  Do you come across as too sarcastic or judgemental?  There are even support staff on most of the sites that will, when asked, look over your profile and offer help and suggestions to get you the most bang for your buck.
Good luck in your search and let me know if you decided to go with a matchmaker or not, inquiring minds want to know!

Horoscope Help?

Dear Readers,
If any of you are like me...

Why, oh why are all the really good looking men born in May, which makes them a Taurus the Bull, which means they (the ones I've been with) have insecurities and need to control their women?  I don't read horoscopes, don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo, I'm a God-fearing woman.  But there is just something about men born in May that never works out for me.  I always seem to be attracted to a tall, dark and handsome type and WHAM... I find out he's born in May.  What a bummer.

I always seem to be attracted to Taurus men without even knowing it at first.  The ones I've dated (and married the first time) were fun, always attentive to a fault, and giving of their time and talents or I wouldn't have fallen for them in the first place.  It's just that my personality type doesn't like, or rather, can't abide being "kept" by the ones I was with at the time which always seemed to be their moniker or M.O..

Don't get me wrong, not all Taurus's are controlling, any more than all Leo's (me) are vain - always needing the spotlight but have huge giving hearts.  *cough cough*  It's just that they tend to always head in that direction with ME.

In that 'horoscope' world, there are personality types that do better with only 3-4 other types and Taurus is bad for me.  I didn't always know this but wondered why the dating sites all ask for your birth month and ask if you are okay with having your 'sign' displayed.  It wasn't until I found a site that informed me that Sagittarius's are my 'best' mate (my 2nd husband that died was a Sagittarius) that it hit me like a ton of bricks.  OH, NOW I get it!  It also said that my type "gives excellent dating advice but has a hard time with it themselves".  My, my, isn't that interesting...

If you are like me and can't seem to understand why it never seems to work out with someone after it started out so well, this could be one of the reasons.  Just a thought to chew on from me to you, hope this helps!