Scooter The Scalawag

scal·a·wag

ˈskaləˌwaɡ/

noun

informal

1. a person who behaves badly but in an amusingly mischievous rather than harmful way; a rascal.

   synonyms:

   rascal, scamp, monkey, imp, devil, rogue;

Dear Readers,

While perusing Facebook this morning, a familiar face appeared on the right side of my screen under "Friends You May Know".  He was, indeed, very familiar since his story is one that I will never forget.

It wasn't his appearance that led me to communicating with him on an online dating site a year or two ago, it was that he stated on his profile that he was a former Army officer and a physician.  Sounds too good to be true, right?  Right.

After several emails, he talked about driving up from Baton Rouge to meet me but he had one condition before he committed...  I had to send him a picture of my boobs to prove that I was serious in pursuing a relationship.  What, you say?!  Yes, a PICTURE OF MY BOOBS.  I was so stunned that I sat there in front of my laptop in shock wondering how to respond - nasty, nicely or truthfully?  I decided to play his game and asked him why in the world he would ask that of any woman, much less a Southern girl that was raised with high standards and a belief system that stopped me from even considering such an outlandish proposal.

His answer?  When he was an Army officer, his men that served under him stated they would die for him, his family was devoted to him, blah blah blah.  He would only drive 2 hours to see a woman that PROVED she was devoted to him and wanted a long lasting relationship.  After taking a deep breath and counting to 100, I told him in no uncertain terms that he had rocks for brains and was probably a certified pervert or a sex addict.  Oh, and don't write me back, I would no longer respond.  That didn't go over too well and I damaged his very frail ego.    He wrote me a scathing last email, letting me know what he thought of me and my "precious boobs".

I thought I had the last laugh until his profile popped up on my FB page with his name this morning.  I laughed out loud so hard when I saw his name that I scared the cat and made him jump.  Sorry, cat.  The doc's name?  Wait for it... SCOOTER!  Oh honey, bless your little heart.  I suggest you change your name before demanding women kowtow to your special needs.  It's really hard to take you seriously with that moniker.

P.S.  Apologies to anyone whose name is Scooter.  If you are considering signing up for a dating site, change your name to something more serious or manly.  Oh, and don't EVER ask for a picture of a woman's boobs... your profile picture is liable to go on all the social networks and could go viral.  But no worries, here.  I would never share your picture, I'm a nice Southern girl, after all.

Sexy Selfies

Dear Readers,

This man "winked" at me on one of the free dating sites.  When I stopped laughing, I knew I needed to share this with the world to point out some important lessons in online dating.

When you are taking selfies for the intent purpose of uploading them to an online dating site, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY... use your common sense and don't do as this guy did today.  For those that don't understand what is wrong with this picture, this short list should help.
FOR THE MEN:
Don't -
- Use a public urinal as your backdrop.  Do you seriously think this is okay?
- Use a hotel room with you laying on it because you think it's funny as hell.  You don't look like bad-boy that has sex a lot, we women think you look ridiculous.  Would you show your mother this picture and tell her this is how you are attracting her future daughter in law?
- Assume bad pictures on your profile don't matter, it was the best you could do
Do -
- Delete your online dating account if you think this cowboy in front of urinals picture is fine and don't understand what the heck I'm talking about.  Women online will thank me for it.

FOR THE WOMEN:
Don't -
- Expose your voluptuous chest in ANY pictures on your profile, unless your intent is to show men how easy you are to get into bed.
I have talked to men who told me, yes, they love looking/staring/drooling all over them but they would never date them seriously.  They would want to hook up with you for a one night stand, sure, but as a serious relationship potential?  Nope, never happen.
- Assume that men love that pout-y look.  They do, but only for one thing (re-read the first item above)
- Use a hotel room with you laying on it (re-read for the THIRD time the first item above)
Do -
- Delete your online dating account if you think this kind of picture is fine, all your friends do it and they have dates all the time.  Really?  Have they married and stayed married for 20 years?  Have you never heard "why marry the cow when I can get the milk for free"?

Please don't think, dear readers, that I've been a prude my whole life because I haven't.  I've made my share of mistakes but they aren't plastered all over the internet.  Google "trashy exposed boobs" or "drunk guy exposed" and you will get my meaning pretty quickly.

Let's all stay safe while we try to enjoy online dating!

Ode To The Dating Sites

 Dear Readers,

Over the years I have had great fun coming up with little ditties about the fun and fiascoes of my dating life.  While some of my dates have been wonderful men, the old adage about having to 'kiss a lot of toads' before finding your future mate is true.  For your perusal, here is a collection of verses I have written that I call "Ode To The Dating Sites".  I hope you enjoy it!

ODE TO THE DATING SITES
by Lisa Buchanan


There once was a foul man named "***wipe",
the pic of his bike made us laugh,
imagine his chaps and his thong done in black,
with Lisa dolled up in the back!

There was a strange man who was gruesome,
he wanted to do a fun threesome,
a man two girls date, to me that was great,
if he would allow me to whip him?

There was a short rooster who's nameless,
he called her a 'prize' so he said,
the bike that he's riding he couldn't keep hiding,
the sheriff wants it back or he's dead!

There once was a kilted French Cajun,
whose prose sounded like he was ragin',
he's anti-kill Bambi or Rudolph, that's fine,
I don't think I'll be misbehaving!

A gun-toting guy in Afghanistan,
who had a nice boat he made clear,
submissive at bedtime was all that he asked.
Are handcuffs the norm here? Oh dear...

In Idaho there was a fine cowboy,
his rodeo voice known far and wide,
the riding and roping are fun so they say,
but he wants center stage, not a bride.

There was a Marine that's a General,
his prose sounded girly and kewl,
I thought "finally, hot damn!" but Dad said "it's a scam",
so I'm back to the dating site ghouls.

I met an old man for some dinner,
he sounded so nice on the phone,
but when we departed, I became so fainthearted,
his talking so much made me groan.
I chastised him about all his talking,
then told him to just keep on walking,
he wrote back and said that I helped his big head,
now he's dating again, girls are flocking!

There once was a man that appeared naked,
he said "you are well kept", it's true.
He makes the gun guy look much better than ever,
but naked man doesn't have a clue.

A tall hobbit approached me to write him,
in Renaissance attire with a kilt,
his lily white legs and his earrings all dangly,
I passed him right by with no guilt!

I wanted to find a new partner,
a man who is dashing and smart,
but now that I've seen all the yahoos and schmucks,
I think they're all old flabby farts!

Miss Lisa's Dating Manual For Girls

For the girls:

I decided to write a list of what to avoid the next time you're reading through profiles and messages on the dating sites. There are many things to consider before going out with someone. So here is...

MISS LISA'S DATING MANUAL

CHAPTER 1

1) "I'm not into material things"

really means.....

I don't make/have a lot of money so let's meet for coffee, not dinner and you don't mind going Dutch, do you?

2) "I love to hunt, fish, trap, shoot, fly, ski, boating, ride my bike, ride my ATV, travel, have fun with my friends"

really means.....

I have all the toys a man could want, who needs a woman?

3) "I am very attentive to women, I love everything about them, I need them in my life, I'm your Prince Charming and your every wish will be my command. I'm perfect and don't understand why I can't get dates"

really means.....

I will get so needy and clingy that you will wish you'd never answered my message in the first place. What were you thinking?

4) "I'm just a good 'ole boy with a big heart looking for a Barbie in boots"

really means.....

I'm far from perfect but I expect my woman to look perfect, cook my meals, do my laundry, raise my kids and mow my yard. Oh, and sit when I tell you to sit, kinda like my dog, Bimbo.

5) "I hardly ever drink except when I'm with my friends"

really means.....

I'm an alcoholic but you won't realize it until you are halfway through dinner and the slurring begins. Then it's time to pay the check and I have to ask you to total the tab for me. Oh, and would you mind signing my name on there for me? I'm having trouble reading the small print. Thatta girl. Now gimme a big 'ole kiss.

6) "I wear hats just because I like to"

really means.....

I'm balder than a baby's butt.

Cowboy hats make me look taller along with the heels of my boots.

Baseball caps hide the fact that I can't deal with my receding hair line.

Wearing caps backwards means I have a Peter Pan syndrome and will never grow up.

Shaving my head because I'm going bald and not hiding it in a hat means I'm manly enough to deal with it and might be an interesting date.

Chapter 2

For all those girls out there that have found themselves in the exciting world of internet dating, I have a list of things you need to know so you will be prepared and not go through my trials and tribulations. Well, that's not exactly true... you will undoubtedly go through all this because that's just the name of the game. But we, as women, need to help each other, so here it is!

YOU WILL END UP...

...frustrated when your friends won't set you up with their single friends because, frankly, the guys "aren't good enough for you".

... perusing the dating sites to pick which one you want to plunk down your hard earned money to subscribe to, it can be confusing. All of them are free to sign up, but you can't read any messages you've received, you can't send any messages and all you can do is look at pictures and convince yourself that kissing frogs may not be the only way to go.

...biting your nails unless you have them done professionally. This is because you will end up waiting by yourself at a table all alone until he finally shows up, 30 minutes late, and you feel like a fool. He had your number, why didn't he call? Worry, mad, worry, mad, worry.

... with messes left from deciding what to wear because you want to be comfortable but still look hot.

... shopping for new clothes because nothing you have in the closet is comfortable or makes you look hot.

... not eating the entire day before a date so you'll lose that 3 lbs. in water weight.

... binging when you get home because you didn't want to look like a pig at dinner, but, ohmygawd, you are now starving!

... dreading the call from the date the night before. You know he's going to ask for a 2nd date because he didn't get the hint that there wouldn't be a 2nd date after the 1st date fiasco.

... fighting boredom during a date because the guy talks so much you can't get a word in edgewise, blah, blah, blah and then I was brilliant and I blah, blah, blah...

... wishing you could think of something to get a conversation started but you have nothing, nada, zilch in common.

... going to a restaurant/bar and seeing 3 other guys you've gone out with. It is better to pretend to laugh at whatever numbnut is saying than to look bored and make the other guys think "she could have had me".

... wondering whatthehell you were thinking when you decided it was time to start dating again.

Oh yeah, it's a blast! So do your clothes shopping, get those nails done, start exercising and get ready for the best (and worst) time of your life!

Here's A Picture of My Dog, My Truck, and a Buck

Dear Readers,
I want to take a few moments to address those of you that constantly describe yourselves as "just a nice guy that likes to hunt and fish and bar-b-q" on the "About Me" sections of your profile on the dating sites.

I'm sure you consider this phrase to be descriptive of your best qualities.  Is this all you do on the weekends?  What about going to festivals?  Do you like to dance?  Go to car shows?  Do you enjoy being with your family and friends?  Do you coach at Little League games?  Do you wish you had someone to share fun activities with?  Do you like to travel?  Do you yearn for something more?

Is there more to you than just being a guy that jumps in his truck and heads down the road to commune with Mother Nature?

If you're so happy, why are you even on the dating sites to begin with?  If you don't list other activities that interest you, it comes across to single women that you just want a woman to clean up the mess at the camp and pick up after you.  In truth, you don't need to find someone to date, you need another hunting dog.

If you're wondering why you don't get more women to respond to your winks and messages, and you only have pictures of your truck, dog, camp and hunting trophies of bucks and bass, that right there may have a lot to do with it.

Think about it, you know I'm right.

If you're serious about finding someone, take 10 minutes to make a few changes to your profile and try to be honest - women love guys that share their dreams and goals - it's called 'opening up'.  Those changes in your profile could end up changing your life.

Image courtesy of:  Sportsman's Paradise Fleur de Lis