First Date Franny

Dear Miss Lisa,

I have now had my first actual date and holy stalker, I dodged a bullet there!

I now have additional requirements to my search criteria.

Besides spelling and grammar (and I can forgive the odd typo), new rules are as follows:

• profile pics should not include cars and or motorcycles - penis extension much?

• show a friend before posting a pic - they will let you know if you're rocking the serial killer look...and so many of them are

• don't talk about happily ever after on the first date, or soul mates, or falling in love. That shit is scary

Oh and if you have any deal breakers in your head, they are there for a reason!!

Onward and upward!

Sincerely,

First Date Franny

Dear First Date Franny The Survivor,

First off, let me say congratulations on surviving your first date! That itself is a major feat. We all know the fear and trepidation that is experienced before that first meet up, so pat yourself on the back for surviving that major milestone. Keeping a list of what you have learned on dates shows maturity and a keen intelligence, I commend you for that.

I shall add your list to the one I keep for the book I am writing.  I hope everyone jots these down, they are important to remember, first date or not!  Now keep up the good work, we all have to kiss a lot of toads before we find that special one that doesn't leave us with warts...

Texting To Sexting?

Dear Miss Lisa,

HELP!
How hard does dating have to be?!?!  I get sweet flirty messages from a guy I know, no asking for a date, just a couple of sweet texts.  I get tired of just texting and want a real date, so I ask if we're going to keep flirting or go on an actual date?  Or is he even interested in dating me?  Then, I get this odd response from him.  Oy vey, hold on...

Him - "You looked hot the other day in you skin tight clothes.  I have been out of the loop dating after getting a divorce and don't want the head games that go along with it.  I would love to see you naked laying in front of me and not knowing what to do next.  And yes I am a horny guy and you sparked my interest.  That should scare you away.??"

Me - (Thinking out loud)  Really?!?!  Okay, you did, you scared me away, not a problem!!!
I text him - "Oh my, guess you only had to say that you weren't interested in dating now.  But you got your point across."
Now he thinks I read that wrong, stating in his next text why he believes I read it wrong...
Please read this and help me or smack me!

His reply - "I believe you misunderstood my point.  I haven't dated in awhile and don't know where to start was the point.  The naked comment was to find your point of view and dialog on sex, also a complement.  I believe life is short and talk very open and be able to joke around a lot.  It seems we have different communication styles so sorry if you took any part negative.  I can still say you looked fine the other mourning without being a pervert."

Is it odd that his typos are more annoying to me than his lack of manners?  I so want to text him back, but what's the point now, except to give him links to Craigslist personal ads!  Is it a wonder why we hate dating?  Seriously, it went from a sweet flirty text to immediately talking about me being nude?!?!

Signed,
Texting To Sexting

Dear TextSextTish,

This is more common than you would think.  He states his view plainly (which I have used BOLD for ease of reading).   Some men can't even explain why their conversations go to the bedroom so quickly but your man did, so consider yourself lucky for the explanation.

I have a couple of thoughts on why this went sour so quickly.  Men like to take the lead and you took it away from him by asking if he was interested in dating in the first place.  It goes back to the Neanderthal days but luckily guys aren't hitting us over the head and dragging us back to the cave anymore.  Let the guy do the asking - it's that simple.  Yes, there are exceptions such as Sadie Hawkins dances but no one even has those anymore, do they?

As soon as his texting went naked, I would have texted back "This isn't going where I thought it would go, so I've changed my mind.  Please don't communicate with me anymore.  I hope you'll respect my wishes.  Good luck in your search for love."  This ends the conversation.  If you aren't opposed to continuing the sexting, that is your choice but will it ever really go anywhere decent?

Now obviously you might feel silly since you were the one that initiated the 'dating' part of the conversation and I have no idea what the previous texts were, but we all learn from our mistakes, right?  If he's someone you knew previously, then trust me when I say that he will have a new respect for you and maybe will be slower to start a "nude" conversation with the next girl, right?

Now go put your phone away for the night, take a hot bath and play some music, LOUD.  It always helps to make a fresh start and look forward to the next time you meet someone.  You never know, he could be the one if you'll let him do the asking!

Poor Pollyanna

Dear Miss Lisa,

So I started talking to a guy online and we decided to meet at a local restaurant.  I spent all day getting ready and arrived a couple of minutes late.  Since he wasn't there yet, I went ahead and sat at a table in anticipation of our dinner date.

He never showed up.

Do you think I was too late and missed him?  It was only 5 minutes.  I kept ordering drinks and felt uncomfortable the whole time, I felt like all eyes in the restaurant were on me... it was unnerving.  I texted him countless times but he never answered them.

What did I do wrong?

Sincerely,
Poor Paula

Dear Poor Paula,
I am re-naming you Poor Pollyanna.  Your innocence of the dating world is obvious.  I can answer your questions with two words - Go Home.

If your date doesn't show up after 15 minutes then a text or phone call to find out where he is always justified and warranted.  If you don't get an answer, don't sit there feeling like a fool for one more minute, get up and walk out.  You have been stood up.  It's not the end of the world, it just feels like it.  Also, "countless texts" are never a good idea, they make you look (and feel) weak, which you are not!

This man backed out, for whatever reason, and didn't have the decency to call or text you to be honest in the first place.  Shame on him and may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.  Karma is a b**ch and will bite him where it counts someday.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on to the next future date.  In the meantime, take more time getting to know the other person before agreeing to meet up.  You'll save yourself some grief by not being in a hurry and it will pay off in the end.  Now go get 'em, girl!

Miss Lisa's Dating Manual For Girls

For the girls:

I decided to write a list of what to avoid the next time you're reading through profiles and messages on the dating sites. There are many things to consider before going out with someone. So here is...

MISS LISA'S DATING MANUAL

CHAPTER 1

1) "I'm not into material things"

really means.....

I don't make/have a lot of money so let's meet for coffee, not dinner and you don't mind going Dutch, do you?

2) "I love to hunt, fish, trap, shoot, fly, ski, boating, ride my bike, ride my ATV, travel, have fun with my friends"

really means.....

I have all the toys a man could want, who needs a woman?

3) "I am very attentive to women, I love everything about them, I need them in my life, I'm your Prince Charming and your every wish will be my command. I'm perfect and don't understand why I can't get dates"

really means.....

I will get so needy and clingy that you will wish you'd never answered my message in the first place. What were you thinking?

4) "I'm just a good 'ole boy with a big heart looking for a Barbie in boots"

really means.....

I'm far from perfect but I expect my woman to look perfect, cook my meals, do my laundry, raise my kids and mow my yard. Oh, and sit when I tell you to sit, kinda like my dog, Bimbo.

5) "I hardly ever drink except when I'm with my friends"

really means.....

I'm an alcoholic but you won't realize it until you are halfway through dinner and the slurring begins. Then it's time to pay the check and I have to ask you to total the tab for me. Oh, and would you mind signing my name on there for me? I'm having trouble reading the small print. Thatta girl. Now gimme a big 'ole kiss.

6) "I wear hats just because I like to"

really means.....

I'm balder than a baby's butt.

Cowboy hats make me look taller along with the heels of my boots.

Baseball caps hide the fact that I can't deal with my receding hair line.

Wearing caps backwards means I have a Peter Pan syndrome and will never grow up.

Shaving my head because I'm going bald and not hiding it in a hat means I'm manly enough to deal with it and might be an interesting date.

Chapter 2

For all those girls out there that have found themselves in the exciting world of internet dating, I have a list of things you need to know so you will be prepared and not go through my trials and tribulations. Well, that's not exactly true... you will undoubtedly go through all this because that's just the name of the game. But we, as women, need to help each other, so here it is!

YOU WILL END UP...

...frustrated when your friends won't set you up with their single friends because, frankly, the guys "aren't good enough for you".

... perusing the dating sites to pick which one you want to plunk down your hard earned money to subscribe to, it can be confusing. All of them are free to sign up, but you can't read any messages you've received, you can't send any messages and all you can do is look at pictures and convince yourself that kissing frogs may not be the only way to go.

...biting your nails unless you have them done professionally. This is because you will end up waiting by yourself at a table all alone until he finally shows up, 30 minutes late, and you feel like a fool. He had your number, why didn't he call? Worry, mad, worry, mad, worry.

... with messes left from deciding what to wear because you want to be comfortable but still look hot.

... shopping for new clothes because nothing you have in the closet is comfortable or makes you look hot.

... not eating the entire day before a date so you'll lose that 3 lbs. in water weight.

... binging when you get home because you didn't want to look like a pig at dinner, but, ohmygawd, you are now starving!

... dreading the call from the date the night before. You know he's going to ask for a 2nd date because he didn't get the hint that there wouldn't be a 2nd date after the 1st date fiasco.

... fighting boredom during a date because the guy talks so much you can't get a word in edgewise, blah, blah, blah and then I was brilliant and I blah, blah, blah...

... wishing you could think of something to get a conversation started but you have nothing, nada, zilch in common.

... going to a restaurant/bar and seeing 3 other guys you've gone out with. It is better to pretend to laugh at whatever numbnut is saying than to look bored and make the other guys think "she could have had me".

... wondering whatthehell you were thinking when you decided it was time to start dating again.

Oh yeah, it's a blast! So do your clothes shopping, get those nails done, start exercising and get ready for the best (and worst) time of your life!

Here's A Picture of My Dog, My Truck, and a Buck

Dear Readers,
I want to take a few moments to address those of you that constantly describe yourselves as "just a nice guy that likes to hunt and fish and bar-b-q" on the "About Me" sections of your profile on the dating sites.

I'm sure you consider this phrase to be descriptive of your best qualities.  Is this all you do on the weekends?  What about going to festivals?  Do you like to dance?  Go to car shows?  Do you enjoy being with your family and friends?  Do you coach at Little League games?  Do you wish you had someone to share fun activities with?  Do you like to travel?  Do you yearn for something more?

Is there more to you than just being a guy that jumps in his truck and heads down the road to commune with Mother Nature?

If you're so happy, why are you even on the dating sites to begin with?  If you don't list other activities that interest you, it comes across to single women that you just want a woman to clean up the mess at the camp and pick up after you.  In truth, you don't need to find someone to date, you need another hunting dog.

If you're wondering why you don't get more women to respond to your winks and messages, and you only have pictures of your truck, dog, camp and hunting trophies of bucks and bass, that right there may have a lot to do with it.

Think about it, you know I'm right.

If you're serious about finding someone, take 10 minutes to make a few changes to your profile and try to be honest - women love guys that share their dreams and goals - it's called 'opening up'.  Those changes in your profile could end up changing your life.

Image courtesy of:  Sportsman's Paradise Fleur de Lis

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match.....

Dear Miss Lisa,

According to relationship experts, I'm a dumb-ass.

I need a MatchMaker!  Only someone with a strong personality need apply to take 

charge of my love life. I have listed below my requirements:

1 - I am looking for someone to sweep me off my feet that has enough money to support themselves and me in the manner to which I am accustomed. I know that's not realistic, I DON'T CARE. You won't change my mind, so give it up.
2 - I am looking for a professional. Not a professional pool shark, not a professional cad or gigolo, but someone that works in an office all day and does nothing but dream of when they can see me again and how they can impress me that day. If you don't get the total picture, see #1 above.
3 - I am looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. RightNow.

4 - I am looking for someone that is willing to move here to this dinky town in the middle of BFE and like it. No complaining to me about it unless the cure is to fly somewhere exotic for the weekend.
5 - I am looking for someone that my grown children and family will like and respect. If they can't pass the muster, they're "outta here".
6 - I am not looking for George Clooney or Brad Pitt, those two were disasters and taught me that I should be looking at their heart and mind and not what makes me look good. Okay, okay, I'm not totally convinced that George or Brad aren't out there but I certainly don't want the man to be prettier than me, capeesh?
Signed,
SickAndTiredOfWierdosJerks&DumbassesKindaGirl

Dear YourEgoIsLargerThanMine,

Wow.  The first thing you need to do is get off your high-horse and get your ego in check.  It's hard enough to find your knight in shining armor without you scaring the hell out of him.  Sheesh.  I hope your profile on the dating sites isn't this scary.
There are plenty of matchmakers if you look online.  If you live in a small town then it's a problem, for sure.  If you are willing to drive/fly to a larger town then you will find you have more options.  The good matchmakers I've seen online are professionals with a staff to help them build up their portfolio of desirable men.  But be prepared, it's costly.  And by that, I mean you could spend over $1,000.00!  Personally, I'd rather spend that money on purses to feed my addiction but that's just me...
Don't give up!  Take a hard look at your online profile on the dating sites.  Does it need to be updated?  Do you come across as too sarcastic or judgemental?  There are even support staff on most of the sites that will, when asked, look over your profile and offer help and suggestions to get you the most bang for your buck.
Good luck in your search and let me know if you decided to go with a matchmaker or not, inquiring minds want to know!

Horoscope Help?

Dear Readers,
If any of you are like me...

Why, oh why are all the really good looking men born in May, which makes them a Taurus the Bull, which means they (the ones I've been with) have insecurities and need to control their women?  I don't read horoscopes, don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo, I'm a God-fearing woman.  But there is just something about men born in May that never works out for me.  I always seem to be attracted to a tall, dark and handsome type and WHAM... I find out he's born in May.  What a bummer.

I always seem to be attracted to Taurus men without even knowing it at first.  The ones I've dated (and married the first time) were fun, always attentive to a fault, and giving of their time and talents or I wouldn't have fallen for them in the first place.  It's just that my personality type doesn't like, or rather, can't abide being "kept" by the ones I was with at the time which always seemed to be their moniker or M.O..

Don't get me wrong, not all Taurus's are controlling, any more than all Leo's (me) are vain - always needing the spotlight but have huge giving hearts.  *cough cough*  It's just that they tend to always head in that direction with ME.

In that 'horoscope' world, there are personality types that do better with only 3-4 other types and Taurus is bad for me.  I didn't always know this but wondered why the dating sites all ask for your birth month and ask if you are okay with having your 'sign' displayed.  It wasn't until I found a site that informed me that Sagittarius's are my 'best' mate (my 2nd husband that died was a Sagittarius) that it hit me like a ton of bricks.  OH, NOW I get it!  It also said that my type "gives excellent dating advice but has a hard time with it themselves".  My, my, isn't that interesting...

If you are like me and can't seem to understand why it never seems to work out with someone after it started out so well, this could be one of the reasons.  Just a thought to chew on from me to you, hope this helps!

Blizzard Buddies

Dear Readers,

It's that time of year when it's cold, snowy, and just plain yucky outside. Use caution when dating online. Looking for a "Blizzard Buddy" is probably a bad idea. This article explains why... so stay warm and try to enjoy the journey!

Blizzard Buddies Article CLICK HERE

Jumping The Gun

Dear Readers,

There is something to be said for "jumping the gun". I've oftentimes been guilty of this, have you? Some discretion with falling in love is needed and that takes time. We all need to remember this before jumping in with both feet. Otherwise, enjoy the journey!

A Chance Encounter On The Slopes...

Dear Miss Lisa,

I am interested in a boy.  Okay, not really a "boy" but he's a 50+ man, who has a good job, is fit, likes to ski...in fact, that is how I met him, on the ski bus to Steamboat last weekend.  He chatted with me a bit and we did have a dance at the dinner party.  My issue is how to make sure I got his attention and have him ask me out sometime.  We did not exchange numbers but the sneaky seed planter that I am,  (insert evil laugh) did get his google email and add to my contact list so that he will see my profile come across as "someone you may know" on the Facebook feed.  Any other suggestions on being subtle but getting noticed?  Any good "Voodoo" queens you know?

Regards,
Subtle Sue

Dear Not-So-Subtle Sue,
I am impressed with your detective work and use of the internet to reach out to someone!  It is encouraging to think that someone could go to all that trouble to find us again after a chance encounter, right?!!

With the internet making finding someone so much easier, why not be bold and just write him since you already have his email?  The way I see it, if we don't want someone to find us, then we keep all of our personal information private.  If you were able to find him email address then all bets are off, in my way of thinking.  Go for the gusto!  Just be honest, and tell him that you couldn't forget him (the truth), you had a great time (the truth) and I'm sure if the roles were reversed we would be thrilled!  He could be shooting himself in the foot for not getting YOUR number!

If, on the other hand, you feel that being that bold isn't your style, find him on Facebook and private message him but don't 'friend request' just yet.  See what his response is, he could end up sending YOU the friend request!

Remember to google his name to see if there's anything out there that could be red flags.  If all else fails, let me know and we can certainly find a voodoo queen for a potion!

Something To Ponder....

Dear Reader,
A friend posted this today on Facebook. I read the article and wondered if anyone has found this to be true for them or would be willing to try it?  It's a very interesting read.
Click Here: To Fall In Love With Anyone...s

Change the "Me" to "We"

Dear Readers,
If you are celebrating the holidays with that special someone, remember that the word "ME" can be turned around to spell "WE". It is one of the secrets to a lasting relationship!

The Gut Knows Best

Dear Miss Lisa,
A man wrote me a lengthy message on one of the dating sites.  He was so excited to read my profile, thought I was pretty, said we had a bunch of things in common and guess what, he's a lawyer!
My gut is screaming that something is wrong with this picture.  Is there?
signed,
My Gut Is Screaming

Dear Gut Buster,
Your gut screaming at you that something is wrong means it needs your immediate attention, every time.  Never ignore it or you can expect the worst outcome.  Call it your conscience, God's will, your past experiences, the Holy Spirit, whatever, bells going off in your head means pay attention and don't dismiss them.

Before you go out with him, whether it's meeting for drinks or dinner, spend more time with him online and find out more about him.  He could be Mr. Smooth-talker, Mr. Married Four Times, Mr. Still Married or Mr. Pervert.  I know from my own dating experiences that my gut/instincts are the best way to fly and won't serve me wrong.

Now go and ask him some pointed questions and don't be afraid to move on if his answers are vague.  Be sure to come back and let us know how it went!

How To Shut A Girl Up

Dear Gentlemen In This Cyber World,

Do you always get in trouble with your girlfriend because you're too honest? Do you drive her crazy and always feel like you're back-pedaling trying to come up with a way to undo what you've just said?

1) Kiss her with all the gusto you've got and mean it.
2) If that doesn't work, apologize and mean it, then repeat #1.

You're welcome.

Bored Brad

Hey There Miss Lisa,
Christmas is coming and the dating sites are dead, no new girls to ask out, it's boring. I have time off this week, are you free?
signed,
Bored Brad

Dear Brad,
Nice try. I'll clue you in on a little secret women wish more men knew - no woman wants to be a guy's second choice. Therefore, I politely decline your invitation. Even if it's true, never admit this fact to anyone because it only makes that other person feel bad. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
I would suggest, however, that you go do something helpful for someone else to keep your mind off of how lonely the holidays can be, such as...

- Call a family member and offer to help them wrap Christmas gifts, finish decorating the tree or running errands for them
- Knock on a neighbor's door and ask if they need any help with anything around the house doing something they can't do by themselves like replace ceiling light bulbs, that kind of thing
- If you've never sent Christmas cards, set aside some time to write a different memory down for each recipient. Believe me, they will love it!
- Focus on other people, it works every time!

Toad-Kissing Tessa

Dear Miss Lisa,
I'm in my early twenties but sometimes I feel like I'll never find my Prince Charming. I've kissed so many toads I'm getting warts. I've changed my hair, lost weight, changed my makeup, started watching the news to keep up with current events and no one online has asked me out in months. I joined every dating site that's free and all I get are winks/flirts, no messages wanting to talk.
What's else should I do?
signed,
Toad-Kissing Tessa

Dear Child,
You have your whole life in front of you and you're worried about being chained to a relationship right now? Are you insane?

It sounds like you've done a major overhaul, now get out there and show it off! Call your girlfriends and go see a movie, go to openings of new restaurants, go where the live music is, get away from the mirror and start living! Show off your new confidence. Step away from the computer and go find a warm-blooded person (male or person) to be with, it will do your ego a world of good to be stared at in person instead of worrying about someone messaging you online.

Of course I realize you are sitting at the computer reading this, so get up and get out!
Thatta girl! Make us proud!
*wipes a tear*

Mixed Up Mike

Dear Miss Lisa: 
I've been dating a girl for a year, on and off to be honest. My family tolerates/can't stand her but she does anything I want and really takes care of me, even though some would say it's her way of controlling me. I didn't even realize I was being controlled until I looked around and realized that my social life was nil. No more time for friends or family, it's always with her and her alone. I'm not in love with her but feel like I'm wasting time I should be looking for that perfect someone. Am I settling?
signed,
Mixed Up Mike

Dear Mike,
Yes.
Re-read your letter a couple of times and when you're ready to hear some honest advice, come back and I'll give it to you in spades.

Pensive Paul

Hey Miss Lisa:
It's depressing being single during the holidays. Everyone else has their special someone to spend the holidays with, but not me. What can I do to get out of the slumps?
signed,
Pensive Paul

Dear Paul,
*Smack upside the head*
SNAP OUT OF IT!

Sorry, but obviously you needed that. It's time for an attitude adjustment, honey, Sit down next to me while we write a list of why it's great to be alone during this time of year.

1) Your mate isn't demanding that you fix every little thing around the house before family shows up. All that free time is yours! Cool, huh?
2) You can play video games till zero-dark-thirty and no one cares.
3) Don't feel like decorating? No problem!
4) Shop online for presents. Your mate isn't making you go to the mall because she has no idea what to get Aunt Gertie and cousin Blanche.
5) You can leave the parties any time you want to. No one is making you hang around because they might miss something.
Make yourself a hot buttered rum, kick back and enjoy your alone time!
You're welcome.

Marlboro Man

Dear Miss Lisa:
The holiday season is here which means family and friends feel it's in my best interest to hang a goose-neck lamp, sit me down in a chair and interrogate me on why I haven't found "that special girl" yet.
What can I do to head them off at the pass?
signed,
Marlboro Man

Dear Marlboro Man,
If you look anything like the commercials, here's my number, call me. 
Just Kidding!

Any time too much attention is on you and it makes you uncomfortable, learn to divert and destroy or conquer. Turn their question around so it's really about them. It's easy-peasy, everyone loves to talk about themselves. Another fun strategy is to pretend to be texting someone constantly; it's very annoying, they'll think it's a woman on the other end and they won't worry about you anymore. In fact, it will probably aggravate them exceedingly that you're texting during the main holiday meal, while opening presents, you get where I'm going with this...

Does anyone else have this problem? I know I do... I usually tell them I'm talking or going out with several guys at the same time. Tends to make them worry, but the faces they make in response is totally worth it!

Meowing In Memphis

Dear Miss Lisa:
HELP! I'm about to buy another cat because I'm so lonely but I already have 4 of them and really don't need another mouth to feed!!! I've been on the Match and Christian dating sites but don't like any of the guys on there. What's a girl gotta do to get a date? I'm really upset!!!
signed,
Meowing in Memphis

Dear Meowing,
First off, calm down or you'll throw up a hairball.

Secondly, you haven't given me very much information but it sounds like you need to try a different dating site. Have you tried the cowboys dating site? My own daughter signed me up for the Farmer's Only site and the responses were pretty good which was a nice kick starter to cope with my own frustration. It hasn't turned into any dates (I'm kind of picky) but it's fun to see the pictures of cute farmers in the dells. I signed up for the motorcycle one once but the guys looked as rough as I imagined so I deleted my account.

Has anyone had any experience with the dating sites that aren't your usual mainstream? No X-rated sites, please, this is a PG group, and I still have that ruler in my desk drawer.....

I'm Not A Liar

Dear Miss Lisa:
I've got a BIG problem. Women only have pictures on their profiles from the waist up. Then it turns out, when we meet they are... how do I say this nicely... rather rotund when it comes to their rear ends. I know a lot of guys that like wide women but I'm talking about the kind that need a sign that says "wide load - pass with caution".
What gives?
signed,
I'm Not A Liar

Dear OhPishTosh!EveryoneTellsWhiteLies,
All of us want to show our good side to the world. Any person, male or female, has something wrong with them physically, which I might add is better than having a mental issue like their being a psychopath, wouldn't you agree?

If you are continually disappointed, I suggest you get to know the person better than your usual MO which sounds like you're not giving it enough time to get to know the other person very well before you meet up. Don't just talk on the phone, but do more - write emails, text, whatever it takes to get the other person to be totally honest with you or spill their guts, if you will. Sometimes it takes more than a week, so be patient and try to enjoy the process. But remember, they aren't the only one accountable. You have to be totally honest, too. Don't make me smack your hand with a ruler for lying.  Anyone else have this problem? I'll put the ruler away for now, I promise.

Mortified in Monterey

Dear Miss Lisa:
I talked with a guy online a couple of days and we agreed to meet for drinks. I walked into the restaurant on time, stood around looking for my date and heard my name called. I turned towards the voice and was shocked to see my date had aged 20 years! According to the face in front of me, his pictures on his profile were ancient, like prehistoric. He was not the nice looking man I had agreed to meet, in fact, he wasn't even attractive anymore. What went wrong?
signed,
Mortified in Monterey

Dear Morti-Honey,
Why are you surprised? Do you have images on your profile that were taken this year? Really? Are they full-body shots or just head shots? It works both ways, honey. Honesty is as honesty does, my Uncle on my Dad's side twice removed used to say..

Google is your friend and many times that extra 5 minutes will help. Before you agree to drinks with a stranger, google his full name. Yes, you have to ask his full name, don't be timid, it's for your own protection, remember? If there's nothing online about him, be blunt and ask him questions about his age and his photos. If he wonders why, be honest and tell him, then request he take a selfie right then and there. I do it all the time, it's a nice precaution against a miserable date.

Also, put on your profile that you will only talk to guys that have current photos on their profile. I have the request on mine, and have found it saves a lot of time weeding through the yes vs. no piles of messages. I learned my lesson the first time it happened to me. I admit... it scared the heebeejeebee's out of me! Whoa, dude!

Has this happened to anyone else?

photo credit: www.juegodetronosenlossietereinos.com

I Sincerely Request, Dear.....

Dear Readers,
When you are on one of the dating sites, does your inbox get a lot of messages from people that use the words "dear" or "sincerely request"? Is the sentence structure wonky? Are they flattering you so much in their initial message to you that it feels unreal?

Well, guess what? Those messages are from scammers. The internet dating sites all have huge boxes warning you to not answer mail from scammers but they don't give examples of what those messages look like. The image here is taken from my own inbox on one of the sites I belong to.

Another clue is their request to talk off the dating site so soon. Sure, I have talked to men by personal email, but it is ONLY after communicating for a couple of weeks and there is enough history to warrant getting off the site. Also, their subscription to the dating site is ALWAYS about to run out. Sure it is...

Why are the scammers so common on dating sites? 99% of the time they are are either from Nigeria wanting your money or foreigners looking for a green card. Their sweet-talking ways have obviously fooled a lot of people out of their money or broken their hearts for quite a while now. Don't you be one of them!
Be safe out there! Can anyone else relate?

I Think I'm The One

Dear Readers,

There is a notion that a single person giving advice to other singles doesn't make sense. I would like to prove that wrong. I am one of the lucky ones that had the perfect mate, the perfect marriage in every way imaginable, even though neither of us was perfect. Why? Because we worked at it, all the time, every day, without stopping. Being in love helped, too, I can't deny that. After becoming a widow, I was miserable for a long time because I missed being married.

It took a while but I finally came to the realization that living by myself was okay. I would rather have a mate, I'm happier that way, but living by myself is great, too, for all the obvious reasons. I don't have anyone else to answer to except myself. I can do what I want, when I want to do it, and my attitude changed without my knowing it.

What is that attitude called? Confidence, my friends. All of us need to remember that it is something that others can take away from us but only IF we let them. Don't let others take away your stiff upper lip, walking tall attitude! Women love it in men and men love it in their women. If you want people to notice you online or in person, put on your confidence before anything else. And deodorant - never leave the house without it.

Frustrated Frankenstein

Dear Miss Lisa:
I have been on 2 sites, three times for months at a time. No one will talk to me. Not one phone call, no texts, nothing. What is the problem?
signed,
Frustrated Frankenstein

Dear Frank,
There could be several reasons:

1) Check to make sure your profile has pictures of your smile. Close-ups get the most attention and girls love a guy that looks happy!

2) Are you chatty when you describe yourself or boring? I know that I get bored with "loves to hunt, fish, ride my 4-wheeler, blah boring blah... I like to read that a guy says he loves children or doesn't have any children at home and says he has a lot of free time to spend with 'someone special'. Be sure to let your audience know that you like to cook or work on projects around the house, the kinds of things that women like to hear.

3) Do a lot of searches and change your criteria often. Many times you will luck out if you type in a specific word like "nurse", "bar hopper" or "motorcycle" that interest's you or that you want to have in common. Once they see that you've read their profile, they will turn around and read yours.

4) Make that first step - communicate! If you like someone else's profile, write them a quick note and tell them. Clicking "flirt" is pretty useless, a lot of women don't even read them because they are so impersonal. Also, just because that perfect girl doesn't end up in your matches doesn't mean they aren't out there, you just have to look harder!

5) If you really do look like Frankenstein, I would suggest that you have your pictures done by a professional. They can work wonders in this digital age!

Let Us Help You!

Welcome! Are you single and struggling with the rest of us in the online matchmaking world or do you have a friend or relative trying to find love on one of the online dating sites? Send me a message or post your question on the wall! Let us help you!

Blindly Groping

Dear Miss Lisa:
I've been communicating with a girl on a dating site for a couple of days and she seems to be interested in me but I don't have the nerve to ask her for a date. How do you turn the messaging into a date?
signed,
Blindly Groping

Dear Blind,
Since this sort of question would imply that you are new to internet dating, I will keep my smart-aleck response to your name to myself. The short answer? Type this: "Would you like to meet for drinks? You name the place and time and I will be there."

She will either respond with a yes or no. The worst that can happen? She says no, but remember that it might be because she needs more time. Quality is worth the wait if you are truly looking for a mate and not a one-night stand. If you still lack the nerve, grab the bourbon or go to bed. After all, in the words of Scarlett, tomorrow is another day.

Feeling Like Cinderella

Dear Miss Lisa:
After being on a couple of dating sites for a couple of months, I finally found a guy that seemed to be the man of my dreams. There's one thing he does that drives me nuts and wondered if you could help me. He is so affectionate in public that I feel like a kept woman and it's embarrassing. Any advice?
signed,
Feeling Like Cinderella

Dear Cinders,
Some men are control freaks and want, or rather make that 'need', to show the world that you are his and his alone. (Is he a Taurus? It will say so on his dating profile). Have a private chat with him and tell him how you feel in a public place so that if it doesn't go well you will have the security of the crowd. Some control freaks don't like their women setting boundaries so expect the worst. 

If he doesn't come around, drop him like a hot potato. In fact, don't bother with the potholders, go back to your dating sites and find another beefcake.

Tiffany Is Taken

Dear Miss Lisa:
I finally found a nice guy online and we have been dating regularly for a couple of weeks. How do I let my old boyfriend know that I'm not interested in him anymore?
signed,
Tiffany Is Taken

Dear Tiff,
The latest rage to help with this problem is to wear a hair bow a certain way. According to the image below, you would wear the bow on either side of your head, depending on your relationship status, going steady or deeply in love. Of course, you'll have to wear a sign around your neck describing what the bow position means, but if you print it in coordinating colors to match your outfit, it won't stand out too badly.

Flummoxed Fran

Dear Miss Lisa:
I'm new to online dating and have a dilemma - 2 guys have asked me out but I don't know which one to pick?
signed,
Flummoxed Fran

Dear Flummoxed,
First off, I would find another name for yourself - I had to google it to make sure you spelled it right. No one wants to work that hard to begin with, right?
Dating two men at the same time will increase your chances of finding the man you'll fall in love with and will keep you from obsessing over just one person.

When you are starting out, don't spend all your time, energy, and emotions on any single man, no matter how much he's convinced you he's Mr.OhmygawdHe'sPerfect. Why? Because dating two at the same time can have its benefits. You won't be wringing your hands wondering if he's even giving you a second thought if you're simultaneously dating Mr. Kinda-Fabulous and Mr. Just-Okay, too. This also puts you in control and that's important, especially when dealing with men that are born under the Taurus sign. Trust me on this...

Maybe some of our readers can share their thoughts and experiences?