For the girls:
I decided to write a
list of what to avoid the next time you're reading through profiles and
messages on the dating sites. There are many things to consider before going
out with someone. So here is...
MISS LISA'S DATING
MANUAL
CHAPTER 1
1) "I'm not
into material things"
really means.....
I don't make/have a
lot of money so let's meet for coffee, not dinner and you don't mind going
Dutch, do you?
2) "I love to
hunt, fish, trap, shoot, fly, ski, boating, ride my bike, ride my ATV, travel,
have fun with my friends"
really means.....
I have all the toys
a man could want, who needs a woman?
3) "I am very
attentive to women, I love everything about them, I need them in my life, I'm
your Prince Charming and your every wish will be my command. I'm perfect and
don't understand why I can't get dates"
really means.....
I will get so needy
and clingy that you will wish you'd never answered my message in the first
place. What were you thinking?
4) "I'm just a
good 'ole boy with a big heart looking for a Barbie in boots"
really means.....
I'm far from perfect
but I expect my woman to look perfect, cook my meals, do my laundry, raise my
kids and mow my yard. Oh, and sit when I tell you to sit, kinda like my dog,
Bimbo.
5) "I hardly
ever drink except when I'm with my friends"
really means.....
I'm an alcoholic but
you won't realize it until you are halfway through dinner and the slurring
begins. Then it's time to pay the check and I have to ask you to total the tab
for me. Oh, and would you mind signing my name on there for me? I'm having trouble
reading the small print. Thatta girl. Now gimme a big 'ole kiss.
6) "I wear hats
just because I like to"
really means.....
I'm balder than a
baby's butt.
Cowboy hats make me
look taller along with the heels of my boots.
Baseball caps hide
the fact that I can't deal with my receding hair line.
Wearing caps
backwards means I have a Peter Pan syndrome and will never grow up.
Shaving my head
because I'm going bald and not hiding it in a hat means I'm manly enough to
deal with it and might be an interesting date.
Chapter 2
For all those girls
out there that have found themselves in the exciting world of internet dating,
I have a list of things you need to know so you will be prepared and not go
through my trials and tribulations. Well, that's not exactly true... you will undoubtedly
go through all this because that's just the name of the game. But we, as women,
need to help each other, so here it is!
YOU WILL END UP...
...frustrated when
your friends won't set you up with their single friends because, frankly, the
guys "aren't good enough for you".
... perusing the
dating sites to pick which one you want to plunk down your hard earned money to
subscribe to, it can be confusing. All of them are free to sign up, but you
can't read any messages you've received, you can't send any messages and all
you can do is look at pictures and convince yourself that kissing frogs may not
be the only way to go.
...biting your nails
unless you have them done professionally. This is because you will end up
waiting by yourself at a table all alone until he finally shows up, 30 minutes
late, and you feel like a fool. He had your number, why didn't he call? Worry,
mad, worry, mad, worry.
... with messes left
from deciding what to wear because you want to be comfortable but still look
hot.
... shopping for new
clothes because nothing you have in the closet is comfortable or makes you look
hot.
... not eating the
entire day before a date so you'll lose that 3 lbs. in water weight.
... binging when you
get home because you didn't want to look like a pig at dinner, but, ohmygawd,
you are now starving!
... dreading the
call from the date the night before. You know he's going to ask for a 2nd date
because he didn't get the hint that there wouldn't be a 2nd date after the 1st
date fiasco.
... fighting boredom
during a date because the guy talks so much you can't get a word in edgewise,
blah, blah, blah and then I was brilliant and I blah, blah, blah...
... wishing you
could think of something to get a conversation started but you have nothing,
nada, zilch in common.
... going to a
restaurant/bar and seeing 3 other guys you've gone out with. It is better to
pretend to laugh at whatever numbnut is saying than to look bored and make the
other guys think "she could have had me".
... wondering
whatthehell you were thinking when you decided it was time to start dating
again.
Oh yeah, it's a
blast! So do your clothes shopping, get those nails done, start exercising and
get ready for the best (and worst) time of your life!
