Scooter The Scalawag

scal·a·wag

ˈskaləˌwaɡ/

noun

informal

1. a person who behaves badly but in an amusingly mischievous rather than harmful way; a rascal.

   synonyms:

   rascal, scamp, monkey, imp, devil, rogue;

Dear Readers,

While perusing Facebook this morning, a familiar face appeared on the right side of my screen under "Friends You May Know".  He was, indeed, very familiar since his story is one that I will never forget.

It wasn't his appearance that led me to communicating with him on an online dating site a year or two ago, it was that he stated on his profile that he was a former Army officer and a physician.  Sounds too good to be true, right?  Right.

After several emails, he talked about driving up from Baton Rouge to meet me but he had one condition before he committed...  I had to send him a picture of my boobs to prove that I was serious in pursuing a relationship.  What, you say?!  Yes, a PICTURE OF MY BOOBS.  I was so stunned that I sat there in front of my laptop in shock wondering how to respond - nasty, nicely or truthfully?  I decided to play his game and asked him why in the world he would ask that of any woman, much less a Southern girl that was raised with high standards and a belief system that stopped me from even considering such an outlandish proposal.

His answer?  When he was an Army officer, his men that served under him stated they would die for him, his family was devoted to him, blah blah blah.  He would only drive 2 hours to see a woman that PROVED she was devoted to him and wanted a long lasting relationship.  After taking a deep breath and counting to 100, I told him in no uncertain terms that he had rocks for brains and was probably a certified pervert or a sex addict.  Oh, and don't write me back, I would no longer respond.  That didn't go over too well and I damaged his very frail ego.    He wrote me a scathing last email, letting me know what he thought of me and my "precious boobs".

I thought I had the last laugh until his profile popped up on my FB page with his name this morning.  I laughed out loud so hard when I saw his name that I scared the cat and made him jump.  Sorry, cat.  The doc's name?  Wait for it... SCOOTER!  Oh honey, bless your little heart.  I suggest you change your name before demanding women kowtow to your special needs.  It's really hard to take you seriously with that moniker.

P.S.  Apologies to anyone whose name is Scooter.  If you are considering signing up for a dating site, change your name to something more serious or manly.  Oh, and don't EVER ask for a picture of a woman's boobs... your profile picture is liable to go on all the social networks and could go viral.  But no worries, here.  I would never share your picture, I'm a nice Southern girl, after all.

Sexy Selfies

Dear Readers,

This man "winked" at me on one of the free dating sites.  When I stopped laughing, I knew I needed to share this with the world to point out some important lessons in online dating.

When you are taking selfies for the intent purpose of uploading them to an online dating site, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY... use your common sense and don't do as this guy did today.  For those that don't understand what is wrong with this picture, this short list should help.
FOR THE MEN:
Don't -
- Use a public urinal as your backdrop.  Do you seriously think this is okay?
- Use a hotel room with you laying on it because you think it's funny as hell.  You don't look like bad-boy that has sex a lot, we women think you look ridiculous.  Would you show your mother this picture and tell her this is how you are attracting her future daughter in law?
- Assume bad pictures on your profile don't matter, it was the best you could do
Do -
- Delete your online dating account if you think this cowboy in front of urinals picture is fine and don't understand what the heck I'm talking about.  Women online will thank me for it.

FOR THE WOMEN:
Don't -
- Expose your voluptuous chest in ANY pictures on your profile, unless your intent is to show men how easy you are to get into bed.
I have talked to men who told me, yes, they love looking/staring/drooling all over them but they would never date them seriously.  They would want to hook up with you for a one night stand, sure, but as a serious relationship potential?  Nope, never happen.
- Assume that men love that pout-y look.  They do, but only for one thing (re-read the first item above)
- Use a hotel room with you laying on it (re-read for the THIRD time the first item above)
Do -
- Delete your online dating account if you think this kind of picture is fine, all your friends do it and they have dates all the time.  Really?  Have they married and stayed married for 20 years?  Have you never heard "why marry the cow when I can get the milk for free"?

Please don't think, dear readers, that I've been a prude my whole life because I haven't.  I've made my share of mistakes but they aren't plastered all over the internet.  Google "trashy exposed boobs" or "drunk guy exposed" and you will get my meaning pretty quickly.

Let's all stay safe while we try to enjoy online dating!

Ode To The Dating Sites

 Dear Readers,

Over the years I have had great fun coming up with little ditties about the fun and fiascoes of my dating life.  While some of my dates have been wonderful men, the old adage about having to 'kiss a lot of toads' before finding your future mate is true.  For your perusal, here is a collection of verses I have written that I call "Ode To The Dating Sites".  I hope you enjoy it!

ODE TO THE DATING SITES
by Lisa Buchanan


There once was a foul man named "***wipe",
the pic of his bike made us laugh,
imagine his chaps and his thong done in black,
with Lisa dolled up in the back!

There was a strange man who was gruesome,
he wanted to do a fun threesome,
a man two girls date, to me that was great,
if he would allow me to whip him?

There was a short rooster who's nameless,
he called her a 'prize' so he said,
the bike that he's riding he couldn't keep hiding,
the sheriff wants it back or he's dead!

There once was a kilted French Cajun,
whose prose sounded like he was ragin',
he's anti-kill Bambi or Rudolph, that's fine,
I don't think I'll be misbehaving!

A gun-toting guy in Afghanistan,
who had a nice boat he made clear,
submissive at bedtime was all that he asked.
Are handcuffs the norm here? Oh dear...

In Idaho there was a fine cowboy,
his rodeo voice known far and wide,
the riding and roping are fun so they say,
but he wants center stage, not a bride.

There was a Marine that's a General,
his prose sounded girly and kewl,
I thought "finally, hot damn!" but Dad said "it's a scam",
so I'm back to the dating site ghouls.

I met an old man for some dinner,
he sounded so nice on the phone,
but when we departed, I became so fainthearted,
his talking so much made me groan.
I chastised him about all his talking,
then told him to just keep on walking,
he wrote back and said that I helped his big head,
now he's dating again, girls are flocking!

There once was a man that appeared naked,
he said "you are well kept", it's true.
He makes the gun guy look much better than ever,
but naked man doesn't have a clue.

A tall hobbit approached me to write him,
in Renaissance attire with a kilt,
his lily white legs and his earrings all dangly,
I passed him right by with no guilt!

I wanted to find a new partner,
a man who is dashing and smart,
but now that I've seen all the yahoos and schmucks,
I think they're all old flabby farts!

Perplexed Paul

Dear Miss Lisa,
I'm a man in my mid-60's that loves to hunt and fish and sit by a camp fire.  I'm looking for a woman that likes the same things but no one ever responds to my winks on the online dating sites.  What am I doing wrong?
Thanks for any help you can give me.
- Paul

Dear Perplexed Paul,
Let's see... where to start.
First off, quit "winking" and start writing.  I don't mean "u r a qt" notes but something more significant that will show the women that you are sincerely interested in starting a conversation.  No single woman I know, and I know a LOT of them, will respond to a wink/flirt and they all agree that they consider them a waste of their time spent deleting them when they could be responding to a note of interest.  

Secondly, give them a compliment on one of their pictures, such as you like their hair, they are pretty/gorgeous/beautiful, whatever comes to mind, but nothing sexy, that's a huge turn-off.  Point out whatever you can find on their profile that you have in common.  If she has stated that she likes to fish, hunt, sit by a camp fire, then you are in luck!  If you can't find anything on her profile in common, ask her if she is interested in something else that may not be 'manly' like hunting but that you enjoy, too, like shopping, long drives in the country, nice restaurants, etc.  Usually there is at least something in common to start a conversation.

Thirdly, take a gander at your own pictures on your own profile for a moment.  If you were a woman, would you be attracted to yourself?  Really?  I would suggest asking a daughter/sister for unbiased help with this.  Are you smiling?  Are all of your pictures of your boat, your dog or pictures you've taken from trips?  *yawn*  Those are all nice once you've met but until the first meetup, trust me, the woman wants to see only pictures of you, closeups, full body shots, just the same as you want to see at these sites.  Are the pictures recent?  Pictures older than 2 years are a BAD idea unless it's a picture of you in college or something to show how handsome you were back in the day, but all women want more current pictures of your face and build.  I give women this same advice, so please don't feel like I'm just picking on the men.  Women are notorious for only uploading pictures of their face and never body shots because they are afraid no man would be interested because they are overweight, too skinny, whatever.

Now go grab your courage, write someone a short note from the heart and see what a difference it makes.  Upload some recent photos, reword your profile to include interests other than hunting or fishing and I will bet big money that you will get more responses than you ever imagined.  
You can do it!