Ode To The Dating Sites

 Dear Readers,

Over the years I have had great fun coming up with little ditties about the fun and fiascoes of my dating life.  While some of my dates have been wonderful men, the old adage about having to 'kiss a lot of toads' before finding your future mate is true.  For your perusal, here is a collection of verses I have written that I call "Ode To The Dating Sites".  I hope you enjoy it!

ODE TO THE DATING SITES
by Lisa Buchanan


There once was a foul man named "***wipe",
the pic of his bike made us laugh,
imagine his chaps and his thong done in black,
with Lisa dolled up in the back!

There was a strange man who was gruesome,
he wanted to do a fun threesome,
a man two girls date, to me that was great,
if he would allow me to whip him?

There was a short rooster who's nameless,
he called her a 'prize' so he said,
the bike that he's riding he couldn't keep hiding,
the sheriff wants it back or he's dead!

There once was a kilted French Cajun,
whose prose sounded like he was ragin',
he's anti-kill Bambi or Rudolph, that's fine,
I don't think I'll be misbehaving!

A gun-toting guy in Afghanistan,
who had a nice boat he made clear,
submissive at bedtime was all that he asked.
Are handcuffs the norm here? Oh dear...

In Idaho there was a fine cowboy,
his rodeo voice known far and wide,
the riding and roping are fun so they say,
but he wants center stage, not a bride.

There was a Marine that's a General,
his prose sounded girly and kewl,
I thought "finally, hot damn!" but Dad said "it's a scam",
so I'm back to the dating site ghouls.

I met an old man for some dinner,
he sounded so nice on the phone,
but when we departed, I became so fainthearted,
his talking so much made me groan.
I chastised him about all his talking,
then told him to just keep on walking,
he wrote back and said that I helped his big head,
now he's dating again, girls are flocking!

There once was a man that appeared naked,
he said "you are well kept", it's true.
He makes the gun guy look much better than ever,
but naked man doesn't have a clue.

A tall hobbit approached me to write him,
in Renaissance attire with a kilt,
his lily white legs and his earrings all dangly,
I passed him right by with no guilt!

I wanted to find a new partner,
a man who is dashing and smart,
but now that I've seen all the yahoos and schmucks,
I think they're all old flabby farts!

Perplexed Paul

Dear Miss Lisa,
I'm a man in my mid-60's that loves to hunt and fish and sit by a camp fire.  I'm looking for a woman that likes the same things but no one ever responds to my winks on the online dating sites.  What am I doing wrong?
Thanks for any help you can give me.
- Paul

Dear Perplexed Paul,
Let's see... where to start.
First off, quit "winking" and start writing.  I don't mean "u r a qt" notes but something more significant that will show the women that you are sincerely interested in starting a conversation.  No single woman I know, and I know a LOT of them, will respond to a wink/flirt and they all agree that they consider them a waste of their time spent deleting them when they could be responding to a note of interest.  

Secondly, give them a compliment on one of their pictures, such as you like their hair, they are pretty/gorgeous/beautiful, whatever comes to mind, but nothing sexy, that's a huge turn-off.  Point out whatever you can find on their profile that you have in common.  If she has stated that she likes to fish, hunt, sit by a camp fire, then you are in luck!  If you can't find anything on her profile in common, ask her if she is interested in something else that may not be 'manly' like hunting but that you enjoy, too, like shopping, long drives in the country, nice restaurants, etc.  Usually there is at least something in common to start a conversation.

Thirdly, take a gander at your own pictures on your own profile for a moment.  If you were a woman, would you be attracted to yourself?  Really?  I would suggest asking a daughter/sister for unbiased help with this.  Are you smiling?  Are all of your pictures of your boat, your dog or pictures you've taken from trips?  *yawn*  Those are all nice once you've met but until the first meetup, trust me, the woman wants to see only pictures of you, closeups, full body shots, just the same as you want to see at these sites.  Are the pictures recent?  Pictures older than 2 years are a BAD idea unless it's a picture of you in college or something to show how handsome you were back in the day, but all women want more current pictures of your face and build.  I give women this same advice, so please don't feel like I'm just picking on the men.  Women are notorious for only uploading pictures of their face and never body shots because they are afraid no man would be interested because they are overweight, too skinny, whatever.

Now go grab your courage, write someone a short note from the heart and see what a difference it makes.  Upload some recent photos, reword your profile to include interests other than hunting or fishing and I will bet big money that you will get more responses than you ever imagined.  
You can do it!